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Saturday, September 12, 2009

trying every day..

to fight off the crazy within. Sometimes I say that in jest but today I'm feeling a little melancholy or something. I'm sure I have a thousand bad pictures to choose from to post, but I'll skip it today. I just caught up on some blogs after way to long and even longer on the private ones. One talked about acceptance, I liked it. I've been struggling lately. I don't really like my life some days. Some days I can't imagine a better one. I feel I've been blessed. I've had the chance to see and live new places, meet wonderful and interesting people wherever I go. Some have influenced me more than they can ever know. The women I have met are serving and kind. Fun and creative. I'm amazed at my talented friends. Some are amazing decorators or photographers or cooks and some are just good at being a friend. So that always makes me wonder, where do I fit in? I've asked myself this question most of my life. I think it stemmed from being the only red head in the family. I'm ok with my hair now, in fact I love it. But it grew into so much more. I've struggled for acceptance since fifth grade. Gosh I didn't realize I could pinpoint it like that. But that is when it started; the horrible comparison game. She has breasts, she has straight teeth, she has a tan. Well some boobs grew, braces did their job and freckles resulted in place of a tan. I don't compare so much anymore, I don't feel I have as much to prove as I did in school. It's not a competition anymore, sad thing is, my competitors didn't even know they were in the race. So that is how it all started, but now I'm having a hard time fitting at home. After a third baby, a move, a much bigger house to clean, a new job, kindergarten, a regressed potty trainee... things have been a bit more difficult for me. Fighting off the everyday crazy has been harder and harder to do. I decided to seek counseling. Something I've wanted for a while, because I think it can help me. This week I'll have a medical evaluation, and while I'm afraid of what she'll say, I have to accept the fact that I need help. I can't go on feeling the way I feel. It isn't healthy- for me or my relationships in life. I'm sorry this post is so depressing and after I post it I'll probably feel even more an outcast. Not many talk about the crazy within, maybe it's because not many feel it the same way. I'm not really sure. But this is my blog, and I'll post on it what I feel. After all honesty is the best policy, right?

Ok, so I realized no one has seen my beautiful house. So I added a picture and we can end this on a good note.

14 comments:

The Frosts said...

Lace, I'm glad you're going to go to counseling. I went for about 2-3years when Travis and I first got married, and it helped tremendously. It's nice to be able to open up to someone on the outside who has no former knowledge or opinions of you. I'm sorry you've been having a rough time. I think every girl and woman feels all those same things that you've felt or are feeling. After all the things we've gone through in our friendship, I hope you know how much I love you!! I'll be thinking of you guys!! Your house is beautiful!

Crystal said...

Lacy, I'm totally crazy with in. It's 4 am right now and I'm bawling on my couch because I'm still pregnant. I know I'm being so irrational, but all I want to do is cry. Don't be too hard on yourself, I appreciate your honesty!!

Ryan and Martha Cox said...

talk about the crazy within-if anyone can relate its me. you were here during some of my most trying moments,and you friendship and smiling face helped pull me through! its hard when you're in the thick of it,to find the light at the end--and everyone else makes living the day to day SO easy. Some days i had a hard time getting up at all-counseling did help,even though it was scary to admit i neded it. Also our Heavenly Father helps too- love yourself like He loves you. I love you Lace! its going to work out!

Blog Friend said...

You are not alone Lacey. Definitely not alone.

Big Daddy said...

I must say, I'm very proud of you to speak your mind and just put it all out there. Bucket-loads of self-doubt and being overly self-conscious are bred into us. It's who we are. I deal with it all the time. Fortunately, you are stronger than I, and you are willing to seek outside help. I really hope it works out for you. I've got your back no matter what.

Ashley said...

Wow Lacy, this was such a beautiful, honest post. I think we all feel a little crazy at times, and I hope that going to a counselor will help you find peace. I know that since baby #3 was born I've ended every day thinking I pretty much failed that day. Not such a good thing! Being a mom is tricky - and you've had so many other big things going on, I couldn't even imagine how difficult all the moves and upheaval has been!

Gorgeous house, by the way! So cute!!!

Lyndsay said...

Cute House!

Scott & Heather said...

We miss you guys. Hope everything gets better. Love you.

Rita said...

First your house is so beautiful and classic Lacy. I love it. I think you are so amazing. I can relate to the freckles, straight teeth and boob:) thing for sure. As well as fighting "the crazy within" sometimes. I think a lot of women have felt similar feelings before. Thanks for posting. You have always been such a great friend.

Emily said...

Just because we don't say it, doesn't mean we're not fighting it.

Just two days ago (after Saba told David he got his financial aid application in too late for financial and and then the main office basically told him he was a terrible residency candidate) we were both like, how in the heck do we go from life is great to like just plain OLD SUCKS and no matter what you say, I think the good Lord has forgotten all about us.

Counseling will be great. I highly recommend it to anyone. It proves that you are strong, willing to take make a positive change, and that you care about yourself and your family. Way to go. Seriously.

Chapman Family said...

Lacy, I'm so sorry you are struggling!!! I glad you are getting help. If only to have someone tell you that you ARE wonderful and amaing and talented, even if you don't believe it, you ARE!! I know how you are feeling. I have felt it too. You have been threw some really BIG life changes right now, new baby, new house, new job. Those are some of the most stressful things in life. Give things time. Talk, let your feelings out, keep blogging about it. You have so many friends who love you for you. Even if we are across the country. I miss you!! I wish we could go get some ice cream and have a scrap booking night if only to giggle about silly stories. I hope you are feeling better because you really are AMAZING!!

Rebecca F. said...

I hope your evaluation went okay. Asking for help is courageous. Wanting a good life for you and your family and being willing to find it is showing strength even through the crazy.

Good luck Lacy.

Rebecca.

Julie Williams said...

We love you guys! Lacy you are amazing! Thanks for sharing and for being so honest. Good luck with everything!

PS. Your house is beautiful!!!

Lyle and Jaime said...

Your house is really cute!

Things will get better for you because you are willing to try! Good for you! Hang in there! You are definitely not alone in this. It's just not talked about as much as it should be.